


The Cutest Kitten

by aliencupcake



Category: Night at the Museum (Movies)
Genre: First Kiss, Kittens, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-12
Updated: 2016-08-12
Packaged: 2018-08-07 08:57:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7708894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aliencupcake/pseuds/aliencupcake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jedediah and Octavius can't agree on the cuteness of a kitten on the internet. They might be able to agree on a different kitten, however, and they might be able to agree on something else as well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Cutest Kitten

**Author's Note:**

  * For [spock](https://archiveofourown.org/users/spock/gifts).



Octavius didn’t understand Jed’s objections to the kitten. Butternut, as he was called, had the loveliest golden fur, and he batted that ball of yarn with exquisite playfulness. There was no way he didn’t deserve to win the “cutest kitten ever” contest Octavius and Jed were watching videos for on YouTube.

“That is not the cutest kitten,” said Jed, yet again.

“It’s positively adorable.”

“Those eyes are mighty suspicious. Too blue.”

“Blue like yours?” They were the same shade, though Octavius preferred Jed’s eyes even to those of the adorable kitten.

Jed adjusted his hat, though he still took the time to glare at Butternut playing with the ball of yarn. “My eyes are All-American blue. Not evil kitten blue. And they’re cuter but manly-cute. I could take that kitten in a gunfight.”

“You do have the advantage of opposable thumbs, though I never said I doubted your manliness.” Octavius might doubt Jed would have a gun that worked, but he did not mean to insult Jed’s manliness. To be honest, he didn’t understand why Butternut had Jed so upset. He was simply a kitten.

“I’d bet a whole steer that kitten can’t ride a horse, either. Don’t go to the contest’s Facebook page and vote for it. That’d be unpatriotic.”

“I’m certain your seat is better. That isn’t even a question. I still would vote for Butternut. What’s so unpatriotic about choosing that kitten over any of the others?” The contest’s rules were poorly defined, but going to Facebook had little to do with patriotism in Octavius’ mind.

“That kitten looks like Lancelot.”

“You look like Lancelot.”

“Are you calling me a kitten?”

“Would you like that? I’ve seen your ManifestKitten account.” Sometimes, Octavius did want to call Jed “kitten,” though he never said as much.

“If we’re going by that fancy logic, then you must want me to call you daddy, _octodaddy_.”

“I can’t say I’d mind. I am a father to my men.”

“I’m not your man.”

“We are allies, aren’t we?” That was not something to devalue, and, while he wasn’t going to launch into a speech about it, Octavius did appreciate all that Jed had done. He did not, however, understand what any of this had to do with voting on kittens.

“You still don’t know the first thing about picking a proper prize-winning kitten. That kitten is as cute as a wolf in a sheep farm.”

“I don’t understand your problem with Butternut.”

“You’re making googly eyes at it. That’s just not right.”

“It’s a cutest kitten contest. The point, I was lead to believe, is to choose the kitten who makes your eyes the most googly.”

“That kitten’s cheating.”

“How does a kitten cheat?”

“Hypnosis? That new-fangled CGI?”

“Nobody is digitally altering their kitten,” said Octavius, who believed a truly adorable kitten would never need computerized assistance to be adorable.

“Can you prove it?”

“I’m not –” This argument had gone on long enough. If Octavius couldn’t make Jed see reason, he’d have to postpone the discussion for when Jed had a cooler head. With neither the time nor the patience to summon the apparatus, Octavius strode across the keyboard of the laptop they were using. Summoning the apparatus might have been quicker with how long his journey seemed to take. Octavius reached the power button for the computer. He jumped on it, hard, slamming down with enough force that the machine whined and the screen dimmed to a black rectangle.

That didn’t comply with Nick’s lectures on computer safety. Octavius did not care.

“Why’d you shut off the YouTube? I was watching that,” said Jed.

“You didn’t even like that kitten.”

“There might’ve been a better kitten in the next video.”

Octavius was about to proclaim that a cuter kitten could not possibly exist when his thoughts were interrupted by a strange mewling noise. He unsheathed his sword, prepared to defend Jed and their computer if they were under attack. “Who goes there? Show yourself.”

That odd mewl sounded again, unconcerned with Octavius' sword. He couldn’t see the threat, but nothing in the museum made noises quite like that, not even the raccoon-like creature one of Jed’s men had domesticated that hated Octavius for some reason. Octavius kept his sword at the ready, though nothing was attacking.

Jed pointed a gun at nothing in particular, and Octavius wondered if that gun would actually work, should it come to that.

“This is a no-eating-people zone,” said Jed.

If the intruder didn’t understand human language, it wouldn’t matter that neither Jed nor Octavius wanted to be eaten. It might not matter even if the intruder did understand them. The intruder let out a sound almost exactly like the meows of the kitten Jed didn’t know how to appreciate.

“But you turned the computer off.” Even in his confusion, Jed didn’t loosen his grip on his gun. “Can those cats come out of the YouTube?”

“I would hope not.” Octavius had temporarily tamed a squirrel once, but a housecat was another beast entirely.

There was another meow. A reddish blur launched itself at Octavius; he swung his sword to counter it. His swing went wide, and the blur landed on his shoulder, meowing again. 

“Unhand me, creature,” said Octavius. The creature ignored him, simply meowing again like it didn’t care about his sword. Perhaps it had decided that Octavius couldn’t swing it properly. The intruding creature rubbed its head against Octavius’ helmet and began purring. It was startlingly furry but didn’t appear immediately malicious. Octavius elected not to provoke it by trying to remove it just yet.

“What in the –? You’ve got a kitten on your shoulder.”

Octavius turned his gaze. From his limited visuals, he did appear to have a kitten on his shoulder, a red tortoiseshell with yellow eyes, to be precise. The kitten shifted position and licked a part of his face not covered by metal.

“That’s just inappropriate,” said Jed as he put his gun away.

“It’s a kitten.”

“It’s a _saucy_ kitten.”

As if to prove Jed’s ludicrous point, the kitten licked Octavius’ face again. Octavius considered trying to remove it just for making him look silly. His armor should protect against claws. He sheathed his sword since it was ineffective against kittens, though he didn’t yet try to move the kitten.

“It’s a kitten. Kittens aren’t saucy,” said Octavius.

“It’s making eyes at you.”

“It’s probably hungry. Are you suspicious of every kitten you see now? I thought you liked kittens. Come on, pet this kitten. I think it’s friendly.”

Jed grumbled, his eyes narrowing at the kitten like he expected it to transform into a demon and bite his head off. As far as Octavius knew, no such demonic creature existed, though he had no explanation for an ordinary housecat of their size existing, either. Jed grumbled again, but this time, he approached and reached out for the kitten. In order to be near enough to pet it, Jed stood so close to Octavius that there was hardly any air to breathe.

When Jed touched the kitten, it purred almost instantly. “The kitty’s not biting me.”

“I told you it was friendly.” Octavius left out how that had been a bit of a guess.

“You’re a cutie pie, aren’t you? Aren’t you?”

The kitten answered by purring louder; Octavius answered by clearing his throat and ignoring Jed even though they were nearly on top of one another. Octavius shifted in order to create some space between them. There was a time and a place for such close proximity, and Octavius didn’t think it was when he had a kitten on his shoulder.

“Who’s the cutest? You are. Is it you? It’s you. Yes, it’s you.”

Octavius opened his mouth to protest Jed’s juvenile language. He didn’t get far because at that moment, his lips met Jed’s. He paused for a moment, feeling the kitten shift on his shoulder. Octavius couldn’t care too much about having a kitten on his shoulder; Jed was far more important. He kissed Jed back, being just careful enough not to dislodge the kitten. 

Angry claws would ruin the mood, so Octavius moved as delicately as he could manage when he encircled Jed in his arms. With a kitten and his armor, it wasn’t the most graceful he could have been. It didn’t matter.

Octavius didn’t know how long they kissed. When they finally pulled apart, the kitten was somehow perched on Jed’s shoulder.

“Is that what you meant by friendly?” said Jed.

“In a manner of speaking, it was.”

“We should do that again sometime. Without the kitten. Even if –” Jed grabbed the kitten and lifted it up, facing him, for inspection. “–she is cute.” He placed the kitten back on his shoulder. It - she - flicked her tail but settled back down.

“Indeed, we should. It would be most prudent to make sure the kitten settled somewhere more convenient, as well,” said Octavius.

“She’s got no collar, so I don’t think she belongs to anyone, either. Do you know where she came from? She’s gonna need a name, isn’t she?”

“All that is true, but is any of it urgent?” 

Octavius would have to ask Larry about the kitten’s origins soon, but, at the moment, he had something else he would rather do. Contradicting his earlier pronouncement that Jed needed to put the kitten down first, Octavius leaned in and kissed Jed again.

**Author's Note:**

> The "raccoon-like creature" that hates Octavius is a [ring-tailed cat](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ring-tailed_cat). They really can be domesticated!


End file.
